Right Speech: How to Give Constructive Feedback That Doesn't Get Rejected.

How the fundamentals of Buddhist Right Speech can help you give skilful advice and feedback that gets heard.

How to use Buddhist Right Speech

​In this teaching, I share how Buddhists can use the teachings of Buddhist Right Speech and Mindfulness to offer unsolicited advice to others, skilfully and kindly, and in ways that promote harmony, mutual respect, and appreciation from and for the people whom we have around us.

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​These days there is a wealth of information available to us on the internet and an abundance of people who do and don't take advantage of it. As a result, there are many people who feel compelled to offer unsolicited advice to others. Although unsolicited advice can be beneficial at times, if not done skilfully it can result in hurt feelings or disharmony between peers and friends; this is unfortunate and avoidable.  Offering advice and constructive feedback like a Buddhist means doing so from a heart of compassion and loving-kindness rather than from a mind of ego or aversion, and doing so will pave the way for your feedback to be heard and appreciated.

It may be worth mentioning that, from the recipient's perspective, advice is generally best received from two different groups of people:

• Friends: those whom we consider to be our friends, who care about us, whom we trust, and whose opinions we respect;
  
  
• Teachers: those whom we consider to be our guides, whom we respect, and whose guidance we seek and value.
  

When we receive unsolicited advice from those who fall beyond the confines of these two groups, we tend to do so with shields and skeptical minds engaged. This is something worth keeping in mind when considering to offer advice to others.   

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OFFERING ADVICE AS A FORM OF BUDDHIST PRACTICE

As Buddhists, it is important to seek every opportunity to practice the Path and apply the teaching if we wish to cultivate the views and skills that make measurable progress along the path possible.  Giving feedback is just such an instance.

The act of offering advice can become a Buddhist practice if the act is approached skilfully and with the dharma in-mind. If giving-feedback is to be a proper reflection of our desire to apply our Buddhist practice to our everyday lives then we have to ensure that our motivations and intentions are coming from wholesome, compassionate, and skilful wellsprings. Not only does this ensure that the act of offering feedback helps us to cultivate the views and practices that enable progress along the Buddhist path, but it also paves the foundation for feedback to be viewed and received with an open heart and a clear mind by those to whom we offer it.

So how do we begin?   ​

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PRELIMINARY STEPS

Before we get started it's important to reflect on some preliminary notions before we decide whether or not we should make the effort to offer advice.  The following preliminary steps shall provide the litmus test on whether or not you should provide your thoughts at all.

Please consider the following:
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• Reflect on why you want to offer your sage guidance in the first place. Are you truly coming from a place of compassion and generosity in wanting to help another person, or are you focusing instead on something that you don't like about what's going on and feeling enough aversion or indignation as to want to say something to get the other person to "stop it" or to "stop doing that, in that way"? All too often, advice or criticism is given as a reflection of our aversions rather than as a reflection of our generosity. Ensure that your desire to offer advice is not an emotional one or based on your impatience, your biases, your judgements, or your ego and the desire to convey knowledge, intellect, or superiority.
  
  
• Understand and appreciate that we are all different and be appreciative that we have different ways of approaching what we do -- respect the individual experiences and differences between the two of you.  Allow other people to possess their own opinions and "right ways" of doing things; it's within their rights to do so. Before giving advice, ask yourself if this really matters, or if this is simply a matter of preference or individual approach.
  
  
• Take the time to make sure that your understanding of the situation is correct, skilful, unbiased, and accurately sees the entire picture and that you are not taking things out-of-context or misunderstanding the situation as a whole.
  
  
• Consider whether or not you are the appropriate person to be offering this kind of advice or corrective guidance. As mentioned above, we have a natural tendency to only desire or approve of advice that comes to us by our most trusted and respected friends or teachers. If you do not fall into one of these two groups, take a moment to consider whether or not it is your place to offer your opinion at all.
  
  
• Ask yourself, 'how will this person feel if advice is offered?', then consider the most suitable method and approach to deliver the advice in a way that it will be received most openly, conducive to their reflection, consideration, and potential to change. Rehearse or consider with care the words you plan to use.  This will help prevent misunderstandings or potentially hurt feelings, creating discomfort and disharmony, that may result in you being considered a potential enemy rather than as a supportive friend or colleague.​
  
  
• Finally, relax your emotional state and soften your physical appearance. Be mindful of your body and of your feelings. How is your body language? What are your eyes communicating? Aggressive stances and disapproving facial expressions will send peoples' guards up in an instant. If you are feeling emotionally charged or intellectually irritated, now is the time to be mindful, take a deep breath, and center yourself. Ease your body, and most importantly, cultivate soft-eyes steeped in loving-kindess and compassion for the person you are about to speak with.   

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NON-DELIVERY / RETREAT / NOBLE SILENCE

If these preliminary considerations and conditions can not be sufficiently satisfied, then your most skilful and wholesome option is to maintain your Noble Silence and silently offer your good wishes, positive affirmations, and prayers of compassion and loving-kindness in their direction, with the aspiration that they may meet with their future growth and enlightenment as soon as possible.

This is referred to as a practice in skilful acceptance and it reflects a clear knowing that just as they are imperfect as sentient beings, we too are imperfect; and just as they possess the seeds of their Buddha-nature within themselves, we too possess the infinite seeds of the potential of our own continued growth and spiritual enlightenment; but, only if we continue to recognise and water the seeds of our wholesome and wise qualities, instead of watering the seeds of our attachments, aversions, and delusions.

This is a very practical way in which we can practice patience, acceptance, and tolerance of the differences of others in our everyday lives and to promote harmony, humility, and right views despite our everyday frustrations and problems.

​Skilfully and wholesomely not-speaking-up can sometimes be a very powerful form of Buddhist practice and one that should not be quickly dismissed or overlooked.   

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BUDDHIST RIGHT SPEECH
​(a brief overview)

OK, so now that you have considered and reflected upon the preliminary steps above, you can be assured that your intentions are wise.  Now let's consider the ability of the other person to receive your feedback by considering the content and tenor of your approach.

First and foremost, whenever we speak, but all the more so when the fragile ego of others is at-play, we must be mindful of the five qualities of Buddhist Right Speech.

Buddhist Right Speech has the five qualities of being truthful, beneficial, altruistic, kind, and timely. While I could easily write out a lengthy discourse on these five facets of Right Speech, let's for the purposes of this teaching keep it brief and just quickly review what these mean at a very high-level:
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1. Is it honest? Are you being truthful? And additionally, are you being truthful from all perspectives? This is your opportunity to check your understanding of the scenario/behaviour/action that you are wishing to improve, because it may be possible that you are misunderstanding what you see or are not privy to the full picture, perceiving things out-of-context. You could also just be wrong, and it's worthwhile to genuinely ask if you might just be.
   
   
2. Is it beneficial? Is the advice that you wish to offer intended to help them improve and become a better part of the community, the organisation, the relationship, or as an individual as a whole; or is it coming from some place else and perhaps not entirely necessary and/or in fact potentially harmful?  Is it worth it?
   
   
3. Is it altruistic? Is your desire to instruct or correct coming from a mind of generosity, or greed? From a mind of compassion, or anger? From a heart that is open, or tight? Check to make sure that your intentions are not selfish, mean-spirited, or driven by your ego or your aversions before speaking.
   
   
4. Is it kind? Is your tone kind, thoughtful, and considerate? While you can still be firm, it's beneficial to make the effort to not speak harshly, condescendingly, or pedantically, lest you run the very real risk of leaving them feeling criticized, embarrassed, or angered.
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5. Is it timely? Is this the right time, the right environment, in front of the right audience? Is the person receptive or are they emotionally involved, attached, or excited? For example, right after a public speech, you may be asked, "how was I?" This is not the correct time to provide skilful criticism.   

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DELIVERY

So now that we have Buddhist Right Speech in mind, how do we construct and deliver our feedback skilfully?
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• Prepare and rehearse what you are going to say. If the situation requires that you provide feedback in real-time, then think quickly, but carefully about what you want to say before you say it. Once spoken, words can never be unheard or "taken back." So carefully consider the specific words and phrasing you will use and imagine how you would feel if someone used those words on you.
  
  
• Ask for permission. Being respectful and asking if they would like your feedback in the first place will help to establish trust before you speak. No one appreciates a know-it-all, especially one who provides guidance without an invitation to do so. And if they say no, be respectful and accept that they do not wish to receive your feedback, at least right now; you may always respectfully re-approach them at another time when they may be more receptive and open to receiving your thoughts.
  
  
• Communicate the behaviour that you observed and acknowledge how you understand why the person may have felt correct in doing so. Showing empathy and acknowledging the other person's perspective and their understanding of things can go a long way in helping them feel safer in advance of your feedback.
  
  
• Provide your feedback. Be specific, be clear, and be concise in what you suggest and in how those specific changes can improve their experience and outcomes moving forward. Make it easy to understand, easy to digest, and easy to convert into real change. Do not be vague and do not speak in generalities.  Unclear advice is difficult to put into practice and all too easy to dismiss.
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• Respectfully summarise what some of the potentially negative consequences of non-change could be with some compelling and tangible reasons that will help to motivate them to want to improve.  For example, by highlighting the harmful impacts to their work, their relationships, their success, or to their general sense of happiness and satisfaction, in addition to the way that they may be perceived by others if changes are not made.

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POST-DELIVERY

Listen to their thoughts, opinions, and feedback with an open and non-judgemental mind. Receiving feedback from others can be difficult for people, and therefore, offering unsolicited advice to others is a precariously treacherous endeavour.

We can never truly be certain of how someone will react (externally or internally) to our altruism, so we must be willing to accept their reaction no matter how skilful or unskilful it may be, and we should do so with a mind imbued with patience, understanding, loving-kindness, compassion, empathy, and equanimity.

Remember, receiving constructive criticism isn't always easy. Whether or not a person is receptive enough to our advice to receive it, hear it, or appreciate it, we should be mindful to be grateful for our opportunity to help another with compassion and loving-kindness in our heart and mind.

As long as we offer advice and feedback with humility in our hearts, the offering of guidance to others is an excellent way of practicing the Buddhist teachings and making a genuine effort to cultivate the Buddhist Path in real life.

Finally, if the advice we offered is not well-received, or we inadvertently cause offense, or promote defensiveness or anger within them, then we should apologise and acknowledge their right to feel as they do. Later, we should take the time to reflect on what we said or the manner in which we said it, that caused them react in the way that did and how we, ourselves, can improve our own ability to provide guidance to others in the future in way that is more conducive to harmony and peaceful relations with others. Perhaps, it may be our turn to seek out the advice and feedback of others so that we too can learn, grow, and develop. :)

With mettā,

Anagārika Michael Turner
Pre-monastic Buddhist Teacher
Advanced Applied-Dharma Trainer

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