Buddhist Life Coaching with Anagārika Michael Turner | Anagārika Pasannacitta
  • Overview
  • Life Coaching
  • Buddhist Training
    • Mind & Dharma Training
    • Meditation Training
    • Student Reviews
    • Rates and Session Info
    • Links to Other Resources
  • Teachings/Blog
    • Subscribe
  • Audio Talks
    • Subscribe
  • Business Advising
    • Mindful Startup Advising
    • Mindful Growth Consulting
    • Executive Mentoring
    • Compassion@WORK™
    • The Corporate Buddhist™
    • Contact Me
  • Reviews
    • Submit a Review
  • About Anagārika Michael
  • Contact
    • Job Opportunities



The Sagacious Buddhist Blog

Long-format Teachings and Essays



by the Buddhist Anagārika Pasannacitta

(a.k.a. Anagārika Michael Turner)
​


Everyday Life Coach and applied-Buddhism Trainer offering deeply transformative personal coaching, counselling, teaching, and guidance with a focus on cultivating the positive mental habits that develop your capacity to experience increasing resilience, happiness, and joy.




practical teachings. insightful answers. penetrating essays.
.new teachings every month or so – live zoom q&a every week – click to subscribe.

A Guide to Giving Constructive Feedback and Advice Like a Buddhist.

1/11/2022

9 Comments

 
How the fundamentals of Buddhist Right Speech can help you give skilful advice and feedback that gets heard.
How the fundamentals of Buddhist Right Speech can help you give skilful advice and feedback that gets heard.

How to use Buddhist Right Speech


​In this teaching, I share how Buddhists can use the teachings of Buddhist Right Speech and Mindfulness to offer unsolicited advice to others, skilfully and kindly, and in ways that promote harmony, mutual respect, and appreciation from and for the people whom we have around us.

​These days there is a wealth of information available to us on the internet and an abundance of people who do and don't take advantage of it. As a result, there are many people who feel compelled to offer unsolicited advice to others. Although unsolicited advice can be beneficial at times, if not done skilfully it can result in hurt feelings or disharmony between peers and friends; this is unfortunate and avoidable.  Offering advice and constructive feedback like a Buddhist means doing so from a heart of compassion and loving-kindness rather than from a mind of ego or aversion, and doing so will pave the way for your feedback to be heard and appreciated.

It may be worth mentioning that, from the recipient's perspective, advice is generally best received from two different groups of people:

  • Friends: those whom we consider to be our friends, who care about us, whom we trust, and whose opinions we respect;

  • Teachers: those whom we consider to be our guides, whom we respect, and whose guidance we seek and value.

When we receive unsolicited advice from those who fall beyond the confines of these two groups, we tend to do so with shields and skeptical minds engaged. This is something worth keeping in mind when considering to offer advice to others.   

OFFERING ADVICE AS A FORM OF BUDDHIST PRACTICE
As Buddhists, it is important to seek every opportunity to practice the Path and apply the teaching if we wish to cultivate the views and skills that make measurable progress along the path possible.  Giving feedback is just such an instance.

The act of offering advice can become a Buddhist practice if the act is approached skilfully and with the dharma in-mind. If giving-feedback is to be a proper reflection of our desire to apply our Buddhist practice to our everyday lives then we have to ensure that our motivations and intentions are coming from wholesome, compassionate, and skilful wellsprings. Not only does this ensure that the act of offering feedback helps us to cultivate the views and practices that enable progress along the Buddhist path, but it also paves the foundation for feedback to be viewed and received with an open heart and a clear mind by those to whom we offer it.

So how do we begin?   ​

PRELIMINARY STEPS
Before we get started it's important to reflect on some preliminary notions before we decide whether or not we should make the effort to offer advice.  The following preliminary steps shall provide the litmus test on whether or not you should provide your thoughts at all.

Please consider the following:
​
  • Reflect on why you want to offer your sage guidance in the first place. Are you truly coming from a place of compassion and generosity in wanting to help another person, or are you focusing instead on something that you don't like about what's going on and feeling enough aversion or indignation as to want to say something to get the other person to "stop it" or to "stop doing that, in that way"? All too often, advice or criticism is given as a reflection of our aversions rather than as a reflection of our generosity. Ensure that your desire to offer advice is not an emotional one or based on your impatience, your biases, your judgements, or your ego and the desire to convey knowledge, intellect, or superiority.

  • Understand and appreciate that we are all different and be appreciative that we have different ways of approaching what we do -- respect the individual experiences and differences between the two of you.  Allow other people to possess their own opinions and "right ways" of doing things; it's within their rights to do so. Before giving advice, ask yourself if this really matters, or if this is simply a matter of preference or individual approach.

  • Take the time to make sure that your understanding of the situation is correct, skilful, unbiased, and accurately sees the entire picture and that you are not taking things out-of-context or misunderstanding the situation as a whole.

  • Consider whether or not you are the appropriate person to be offering this kind of advice or corrective guidance. As mentioned above, we have a natural tendency to only desire or approve of advice that comes to us by our most trusted and respected friends or teachers. If you do not fall into one of these two groups, take a moment to consider whether or not it is your place to offer your opinion at all.

  • Ask yourself, 'how will this person feel if advice is offered?', then consider the most suitable method and approach to deliver the advice in a way that it will be received most openly, conducive to their reflection, consideration, and potential to change. Rehearse or consider with care the words you plan to use.  This will help prevent misunderstandings or potentially hurt feelings, creating discomfort and disharmony, that may result in you being considered a potential enemy rather than as a supportive friend or colleague.​

  • Finally, relax your emotional state and soften your physical appearance. Be mindful of your body and of your feelings. How is your body language? What are your eyes communicating? Aggressive stances and disapproving facial expressions will send peoples' guards up in an instant. If you are feeling emotionally charged or intellectually irritated, now is the time to be mindful, take a deep breath, and center yourself. Ease your body, and most importantly, cultivate soft-eyes steeped in loving-kindess and compassion for the person you are about to speak with.   

NON-DELIVERY / RETREAT / NOBLE SILENCE
If these preliminary considerations and conditions can not be sufficiently satisfied, then your most skilful and wholesome option is to maintain your Noble Silence and silently offer your good wishes, positive affirmations, and prayers of compassion and loving-kindness in their direction, with the aspiration that they may meet with their future growth and enlightenment as soon as possible.

This is referred to as a practice in skilful acceptance and it reflects a clear knowing that just as they are imperfect as sentient beings, we too are imperfect; and just as they possess the seeds of their Buddha-nature within themselves, we too possess the infinite seeds of the potential of our own continued growth and spiritual enlightenment; but, only if we continue to recognise and water the seeds of our wholesome and wise qualities, instead of watering the seeds of our attachments, aversions, and delusions.

This is a very practical way in which we can practice patience, acceptance, and tolerance of the differences of others in our everyday lives and to promote harmony, humility, and right views despite our everyday frustrations and problems.

​Skilfully and wholesomely not-speaking-up can sometimes be a very powerful form of Buddhist practice and one that should not be quickly dismissed or overlooked.   

BUDDHIST RIGHT SPEECH
​
(a brief overview)
OK, so now that you have considered and reflected upon the preliminary steps above, you can be assured that your intentions are wise.  Now let's consider the ability of the other person to receive your feedback by considering the content and tenor of your approach.

First and foremost, whenever we speak, but all the more so when the fragile ego of others is at-play, we must be mindful of the five qualities of Buddhist Right Speech.

Buddhist Right Speech has the five qualities of being truthful, beneficial, altruistic, kind, and timely. While I could easily write out a lengthy discourse on these five facets of Right Speech, let's for the purposes of this teaching keep it brief and just quickly review what these mean at a very high-level:
​
  1. Is it honest? Are you being truthful? And additionally, are you being truthful from all perspectives? This is your opportunity to check your understanding of the scenario/behaviour/action that you are wishing to improve, because it may be possible that you are misunderstanding what you see or are not privy to the full picture, perceiving things out-of-context. You could also just be wrong, and it's worthwhile to genuinely ask if you might just be.

  2. Is it beneficial? Is the advice that you wish to offer intended to help them improve and become a better part of the community, the organisation, the relationship, or as an individual as a whole; or is it coming from some place else and perhaps not entirely necessary and/or in fact potentially harmful?  Is it worth it?

  3. Is it altruistic? Is your desire to instruct or correct coming from a mind of generosity, or greed? From a mind of compassion, or anger? From a heart that is open, or tight? Check to make sure that your intentions are not selfish, mean-spirited, or driven by your ego or your aversions before speaking.

  4. Is it kind? Is your tone kind, thoughtful, and considerate? While you can still be firm, it's beneficial to make the effort to not speak harshly, condescendingly, or pedantically, lest you run the very real risk of leaving them feeling criticized, embarrassed, or angered.
    ​
  5. Is it timely? Is this the right time, the right environment, in front of the right audience? Is the person receptive or are they emotionally involved, attached, or excited? For example, right after a public speech, you may be asked, "how was I?" This is not the correct time to provide skilful criticism.   

DELIVERY
So now that we have Buddhist Right Speech in mind, how do we construct and deliver our feedback skilfully?
​
  • Prepare and rehearse what you are going to say. If the situation requires that you provide feedback in real-time, then think quickly, but carefully about what you want to say before you say it. Once spoken, words can never be unheard or "taken back." So carefully consider the specific words and phrasing you will use and imagine how you would feel if someone used those words on you.

  • Ask for permission. Being respectful and asking if they would like your feedback in the first place will help to establish trust before you speak. No one appreciates a know-it-all, especially one who provides guidance without an invitation to do so. And if they say no, be respectful and accept that they do not wish to receive your feedback, at least right now; you may always respectfully re-approach them at another time when they may be more receptive and open to receiving your thoughts.

  • Communicate the behaviour that you observed and acknowledge how you understand why the person may have felt correct in doing so. Showing empathy and acknowledging the other person's perspective and their understanding of things can go a long way in helping them feel safer in advance of your feedback.

  • Provide your feedback. Be specific, be clear, and be concise in what you suggest and in how those specific changes can improve their experience and outcomes moving forward. Make it easy to understand, easy to digest, and easy to convert into real change. Do not be vague and do not speak in generalities.  Unclear advice is difficult to put into practice and all too easy to dismiss.
    ​
  • Respectfully summarise what some of the potentially negative consequences of non-change could be with some compelling and tangible reasons that will help to motivate them to want to improve.  For example, by highlighting the harmful impacts to their work, their relationships, their success, or to their general sense of happiness and satisfaction, in addition to the way that they may be perceived by others if changes are not made.

POST-DELIVERY
Listen to their thoughts, opinions, and feedback with an open and non-judgemental mind. Receiving feedback from others can be difficult for people, and therefore, offering unsolicited advice to others is a precariously treacherous endeavour.

We can never truly be certain of how someone will react (externally or internally) to our altruism, so we must be willing to accept their reaction no matter how skilful or unskilful it may be, and we should do so with a mind imbued with patience, understanding, loving-kindness, compassion, empathy, and equanimity.

Remember, receiving constructive criticism isn't always easy. Whether or not a person is receptive enough to our advice to receive it, hear it, or appreciate it, we should be mindful to be grateful for our opportunity to help another with compassion and loving-kindness in our heart and mind.

As long as we offer advice and feedback with humility in our hearts, the offering of guidance to others is an excellent way of practicing the Buddhist teachings and making a genuine effort to cultivate the Buddhist Path in real life.

Finally, if the advice we offered is not well-received, or we inadvertently cause offense, or promote defensiveness or anger within them, then we should apologise and acknowledge their right to feel as they do. Later, we should take the time to reflect on what we said or the manner in which we said it, that caused them react in the way that did and how we, ourselves, can improve our own ability to provide guidance to others in the future in way that is more conducive to harmony and peaceful relations with others. Perhaps, it may be our turn to seek out the advice and feedback of others so that we too can learn, grow, and develop. :)


With mettā,

Anagārika Michael Turner
Pre-monastic Buddhist Teacher
Advanced Applied-Dharma Trainer

Would you like me to be your teacher?  If you are interested in working together to make veritable progress as a Buddhist, you need a trustworthy teacher.  Please visit my training page or contact me to learn more; I am available as a skilled resource to guide you along your journey.  Opportunities to meet someone who can veritably teach what I teach don't come by often.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a donation to our student community to help make future teachings possible.  Why Donate?  Learn More Here.

If you gained any insight from this article, please consider subscribing. And if you wouldn't mind sharing your thoughts or just saying 'thanks' in the comment field below, it means quite a bit to me to know that I may have been of value to others.

But perhaps most of all, would you mind sharing this with others on your social media platform of choice?

If you liked this, you may also enjoy these popular posts...
AUDIO: Tonglen Meditation — Benefits and Techniques to Cultivate Compassion and Awakening [Dharma Talk MP3]
Falling Asleep During Meditation? 5 Tips to Quickly Stay Focused and Energised
What Are the Eight Worldly Concerns and Why Must We Let Them Go?
The Relationship Between Meditation, The Dharma, and Enlightenment
How to Nurture Your "Buddha Nature" to Develop a Strong Sense of Happiness
The Importance of Contemplating Death (and how it can help you) - Buddhism

Other Recent Posts:
AUDIO: Mettā Meditation and Analytical Meditation - How to Do Them Correctly [MP3+Transcript Included]
The Four Elements: Understanding The Buddha's Teachings on Nonself & Anattā
A Guide to Giving Constructive Feedback and Advice Like a Buddhist
Practical Guide to Patience & Tolerance for Buddhist Practitioners
Pity vs Compassion: How to Spot the Difference
Buddhist Renunciation for Laypersons Explained (a practical how-to guide)
Meditating on Emptiness?  Stop, You're Wasting Your Time - Buddhism Explained
9 Comments
Jeremy Post
1/12/2022 11:27:50

Thank you for this teaching, Michael. I've bookmarked this for future reference. I can see this coming in quite handy. I like your incorporation and reminder of right speech in this post that is really helpful to keep this all focused on my daily practice. It ties it all together.

With metta to you,
JP

Reply
Michael Turner link
1/12/2022 14:26:05

Thank you, JP, that is most kind of you to share.

Reply
MetroMaker
1/12/2022 13:57:06

Good post. I need help with constructive criticism and I'm not the only one. Thanks.

Reply
Michael Turner link
1/12/2022 14:25:33

You are most definitely not alone. I expect that I may need to write a guide on how to receive feedback, as receiving it can often times be more difficult then giving it.

Reply
MetroMaker
1/12/2022 14:27:51

That would be useful.

FoxyDriver
1/12/2022 19:11:28

Enjoyed the read, thank you

Reply
Michael Turner link
1/12/2022 19:30:53

I am grateful for your comment, thank you and I hope it may be of some value to you. Thank you again.

Reply
Jill R
1/17/2022 20:38:53

Hi Michael - beautiful post and good reminders to check in on all fronts before assuming our advice is ready for the world and vice versa. Nice to see you finding and following your path. Wishing you well.

Reply
Michael Turner link
1/18/2022 09:01:39

Thank you, Jill, it was such a pleasant surprise to see your comment :) I think that was very kind of you to write. I hope that you are finding success and happiness in all that you pursue.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    The Sagacious Buddhist Blog
    ​by Anagārika Pasannacitta

    Subscribe

    Click to Subscribe

    Categories
    (Spring 2020 and newer only.)

    All
    AUDIO: Dharma Talk
    Buddha Nature
    Buddhist Mythbusting
    Compassion
    Death & Dying
    Dukkha/Suffering
    Emptiness
    Enlightenment
    Forgiveness
    Happiness
    Impermanence
    Karma
    Meditation
    Most Popular
    Nonself
    Questions & Answers
    Real Life Dharma
    Renunciation
    SERIES: Topic Deep Dives
    SHORT: Dharma Bites
    Stress & Anxiety
    Virtue/Sīla


    Archives
    (Spring 2020 and newer only.)

    January 2023
    November 2022
    September 2022
    July 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    May 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020

    RSS Feed


    The Teacher

    Anagārika Michael Turner Buddhist Teacher, Dhamma Trainer, Dharma Coach
    Anagārika Pasannacitta

    Hi! My name is Pasannacitta (my layperson name is Michael Turner).

    ​I am a pre-monastic sakadāgāmi, early Buddhist teacher, enlightenment and streamentry (awakening) mentor, resilience and happiness counsellor, everyday life coach, and full-time Buddhist anagārika.

    ​I've spent more than 30 years learning and cultivating what I do, and what I do goes far beyond meditation and dharma.

    I work with Buddhist practitioners of all levels to help them attain measurable spiritual progress toward Nibbāna. This special kind of one-on-one training isn't readily available to lay practitioners and I hope to do my part as I prepare to prepare to become a monk and enter into full-time Buddhist monastic life.

    Our Dhamma-vinaya student community is donation-funded and I'm available for serious and dedicated practitioners of meditation-and-dharma to course-correct their views, understandings, and practices to help them overcome the challenges and problems that hold them back from making progress along the path toward Buddhist enlightenment. This isn't hocus-pocus, this is practical- and applied-Buddhism, and your progress will be the result of dedication and effort.

    It is worth noting that what is on-offer here is very special.  I am a skilled pre-monastic early Buddhist ācariya and I will be a Buddhist monk, scholar, and teacher.  There are few people outside of authentic Buddhist monasteries who can genuinely offer this kind of applied guidance and advanced training to lay practitioners.​

    Please visit my home page and my about me to learn more about my style and what it is that I teach.

    "The only thing that prevents people from attaining Enlightenment and experiencing Nirvana directly is insufficient instruction and/or practice."

    Home Page & Overview
    Read Student Reviews
    Dharma & Mind Training
    About Michael Turner

    I offer authentic and transformative Buddhist mind training and dharma training and I encourage you to message me to learn more.

    Picture
    recurring donation:

    one-time donation:

    Please consider making a donation to our student community via paypal

    ​why donate?
    ​
    learn more here

 

all of services and teachings are donation-funded, please consider making a donation to our student community today

Since leaving to ordain as a Buddhist monk and becoming a full-time Buddhist anagārika, donations directly make our student community possible.  Without your generosity, it would not be possible to provide teachings and training to guide those who wish to attain spiritual success, or to those, both living and dying, who are in genuine need of support, compassion, and care.

​Thank you very much for your kindness and your generosity.
​
why donate?  learn more here.

beingpeacefully donation
please help fund my pro bono buddhism teaching program today
​
Donate via Zelle® using the email address in the image below:
Picture

​Donations made with Zelle® are preferred as there are no fees charged for, or deducted from, your donation
​but you may also use PayPal:

Recurring Paypal Donation Options


Single Paypal Donation

make a donation via paypal


Alternatively, you may help me become a better teacher, practitioner, and person:
​If you would like to assist me in my studies or support my life as a Buddhist renunciate by donating a dhamma e-book to me from my Amazon.com wishlist, I would greatly appreciate it.  You can find my wishlist here:
Amazon Wishlist
my amazon.com wishlist


​All support and kind generosity are greatly and sincerely appreciated.

With mettā, thank you.

Anagārika Michael Turner Buddhist Teacher Philosopher, Dharma Coach, Meditation Instructor, Business Leader, Sales Trainer, and Mentor
Anagārika Pasannacitta
Pasannacitta is a pre-monastic ariya-puggala and a full-time Buddhist anagārika; and he is also a deeply accomplished streamentry mentor and applied-dharma teacher. He emphasises and teaches the practical application of the Buddha's teachings in our everyday lives to overcome our human problems that stand in the way of making measurable progress toward Buddhist enlightenment and he is particularly adept at explaining them in ways that can be easily understood and practiced by Western Buddhists. He has been meditating and cultivating the views and techniques that generate indestructible resilience, inner-strength, and direct experience for more than 30 years and has helped countless numbers of students enhance and course-correct their practice to make veritable progress along the path toward Nibbāna.


SITE MAP

​Home (begin here)
Mind Training Services
Training Rates and Fees
Subscribe to the Newsletter
​Student Community Reviews
Submit a Student Review
Weekly Live Zoom Q&A
About Anagārika Pasannacitta
Being Peacefully Logo
do good. be kind. help others. be peaceful.™
Dharma Blog
Audio Dharma Talks
Live Dharma & Group Meditation

Make a Donation (why donate?)
Beyond Mindfulness
Links to Other Resources
Job Opportunities
Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

"being peacefully"®, "sagacious buddhist"™ and all logos/slogans are trademarks in the united states and/or other countries.
website by michael turner — being peacefully © 2013, 2023 — all rights reserved.
  • Overview
  • Life Coaching
  • Buddhist Training
    • Mind & Dharma Training
    • Meditation Training
    • Student Reviews
    • Rates and Session Info
    • Links to Other Resources
  • Teachings/Blog
    • Subscribe
  • Audio Talks
    • Subscribe
  • Business Advising
    • Mindful Startup Advising
    • Mindful Growth Consulting
    • Executive Mentoring
    • Compassion@WORK™
    • The Corporate Buddhist™
    • Contact Me
  • Reviews
    • Submit a Review
  • About Anagārika Michael
  • Contact
    • Job Opportunities